Grief Comes in Waves – no matter who you are –

In this case, air waves, or in the form of a podcast. Anderson Cooper bravely takes his listeners where few mourners dare to go, by talking about it. As he struggles to go through the possessions that his family members have left behind, he found that he developed new and different relationships with his loved ones who died recently and decades ago. This is so true.

As someone who lost both parents in childhood, I find myself relating to the conversations that Anderson has with himself and with his guests, over and over again.

There is so much to identify with from spending holidays in movie theaters, to the profound loneliness one feels around other families, beloved caregivers,living past your parent’s age of death and the anxiety for one’s children not having to experience parental loss and the realization that you can’t remember the sound of the deceased voices, and the random things that you hold on to, -belts, scarves, pens.

People tend to give survivors a wide berth. They don’t talk about the dead for fear of upsetting you. They don’t know what to say. Others think enough time has passed and you should “get over it.” In my family no one ever spoke the word cancer – when others got sick – the explanation was – she has what your mother had . Oh. I was too young to go to my mother’s funeral – afterward well meaning family friends would say – “I’m sorry you lost your mother” – this puzzled me. It was like they thought she was a pair of mittens I had left on the bus. Was she just lost? I knew I was.

Listening to this podcast, I am realizing, maybe for the first time, that it’s OK, to tear up over memories and to admit that you are having a hard time, even as your hair is greying. I was raised to Keep Calm and Carry On – to always say – I’m fine – even when I was not. I always believed the glass was half full, even when it was obvious to everyone around me – my sister included, that it was empty.

I often think that, as an orphan, how lucky I was to experience so many random acts of kindness – that many go a lifetime without the benefit of. I never think what if it hadn’t happened.

Probably because I lived by the sea – I always thought of grief as an ocean – Somedays you float along, other days you are blindsided and knocked down by the wave you didn’t see when you turned to head to shore. The fog moves in and burns off and sometimes storms blow up from out of nowhere. You get caught in the undertow. You fall into the drop off. In heavy seas you have to dive into the waves, but eventually you come up for air.

I have spent a lifetime clearing out family houses and going through dead relatives belongings trying to figure out what to do with everything – it is not an easy task – no matter who you are – and believe me, it is a lonely job.

Now in my 60s,I am lucky to have a network of what I call my orphan friends – who also lost parents in childhood. I have been sending the link to this podcast to all of them.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to CNN, Anderson Cooper and his guests for these conversations. I seriously do not want it to end. Whether you experienced loss long ago or just last week, suddenly or after a long illness, I urge you to listen. Like me, I hope you come to realize that you are not alone in your thoughts.

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