The Lab Called. Your Brain is Ready.

If you just met me, you would never know that I marinated my aging brain cells in bourbon for decades, or that I have had a stroke – thanks my smart phone – which serves as my brain in my pocket.

I celebrated my jubilee a over a decade ago so I belong to that educated, affluent, female demographic with failing eyesight and memory that no one can be bothered marketing to.

I have read that smart phone owners are predominantly male, and are 65% more likely than the average mobile subscriber to be between the ages of 25 and 34. Imagine the chagrin of the smart phone creators if they knew that old biddies,like me,bought one to pop up the font size so I can read The New York Times Daily or a menu without my glasses.

Now I can take off that bumper sticker that reads “Of All the Things I’ve Lost, I miss my mind the most” because with a smart phone you don’t have to remember anything at all.

Can’t remember where you parked your car? No problem there’s an App for that. Can’t see your keys in your purse. Turn on the Flashlight App. Can’t read the parking ticket? Turn on the Magnifier App. Addresses, Dates, Grocery Lists, Recipes, Books to read, Movies to see, People’s names and faces – even the weather forecast – all right on my phone. Need to take a picture? Need directions? Need a recipe? No camera or maps or cookbooks required any more – Yay!

Don’t want to hear the diatribe from your children about your multiple failings as parent? – just send a text. Mommy loves you. There’s even a feature that lets you discover where they actually are, no matter where they told you they would be. This is also helpful for when you can’t remember where they told you they were going in the first place.

I can also happily tune other people out as a I travel through my day with my own soundtrack as if my daily life was an entertaining movie or the opening scene of the Mary Tyler Moore Show. You can listen to white noise if you are trying to read or nap inpublic places. Even better with audible books I can “read”, knit and have a drink all at the same time. I don’t think it gets any better than that.

No more embarrassing moments when you mix up the names of medications as you accompany your geriatric parent – who takes Reminyl – and your arthritic dog – who takes Remidyl – on doctors visits. No more trying to remember what you were doing after an interruption as when you turn the phone back on it takes you to wherever you were – genius.

Of course you can also use it to make and receive calls and check e-mail if you don’t have anything better to do – like watch Netflix, do the daily crossword or play Scrabble.

I used to carry one of those bible sized binders, but happily those days are gone, just don’t let the wireless companies know that I’m screwing with their demographic.

Update – I originally wrote this a few years ago – Since then I am now able to set the home thermostat, run the vacuum, and see who is at the front door from my phone – Life just keeps getting better –

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